A Priest, a Rabbi and a Pagan Priestess

As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond.

They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the

bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they

continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they

left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to

the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit

righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that

too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a

step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.

While he's flailing around in the water, the rabbi looks at the priestess

and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"

  ;D

;D ;D

Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!

Q:How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.

Q: How many years does it take a Druid to change a light bulb?

A: 21, unless you're Irish.

Q: How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the newsletter.

Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!

Q: How many Brit.Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Thirteen. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

Q: How many years does it take for a solitary Witch to change a light bulb?

A: How long does it take to get one out of the closet?

Q: How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb?

A: Its already been changed.

Q: How many years does it take a White Light Wiccan to change a light bulb?

A: Look deep within and find your true essence. That will tell you how long it will take.

Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYWHERE! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

Q: How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a leigh?

A: Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.

Q: How many Proteans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: How many will fit?

Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along.

Q: How many Thelemites does it take....

A: None, Every One of them is a Star.

Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?

A: What do you want it changed into?

Q: How many Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they do it in great rites.

Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw on the altar!

Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only two, but they have to be very small!

Q: How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 2 as long as the lamp is by the bed...

Q: How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

Q: How many Kabbalists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 261.

Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?

A: What, me move?

Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 2

Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?

A: A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They LIKE the dark.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The light's fine as it is.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: What light bulb?

Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to change it and four to share the experience!

Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow.

Q: How many Boulderites (as in Boulder, CO, mecca of new agers) does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They just join self-help groups to learn to live with darkness in their lives.

Q: How many Norse Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 21, one to hold the light bulb, 20 to drink till the world spins

Q. How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.

Q. How many Norse Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.

Q. How many TechnoPagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. If the computer is still working, who cares about the light bulb.

Q. How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Candle light was good enough for grandma, it's good enough for me!

Q. How many Brit Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

Q. How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Six; one to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.

Q. How many shamans does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None; they shapeshift into a cat or a bat, and can see in the dark.

אין לי כוח לקרוא אנגלית!!!

אבל התמונה עם המכשפה מגניבה...

אני מורתקת לבסיס כך שאולי אמצע זמן לתרגם, בין ציור קומיקס לצפיה בסרטים מצויירים והצקות למאבטחים עומללים. :

אני מורתקת לבסיס כך שאולי אמצע זמן לתרגם, בין ציור קומיקס לצפיה בסרטים מצויירים והצקות למאבטחים עומללים. :

אמצא במקום אמצע ואומללים במקום עומללים..לא אישית נגדך אחות שלי, סתם מפריע לי לקרוא את זה.

מה אני אשמה שאני דיסלקטית??? :'( (סטינו מהנושא)

טוב, הנה כמה תרגומים...

ההיסטוריה של הרפואה:

2000 לפנה"ס: הנה, אכול את השורש הזה!

1000 לספירה: השורש הזה של כופרים הוא! הנה, אמור את התפילה הזאת!

1850 לספירה: התפילה הזאת היא אמונה תפלה, הנה, שתה את השיקוי הזה!

1940 לספירה: השיקוי הזה הוא שמן נחשים! קח את הגלולה הזאת!

1985 לספירה: הגלולה הזאת לא פועלת! קח אנטיביוטיקה!

2000 לספירה: עזוב אותך אנטיביוטיקה, זה לא טבעי... קח שורש! ;D

עצה אישית: אל תנסו להיות יותר מוזרים ממני... אני מוצאת דברים יותר מוזרים מכם בדגני הבוקר שלי.

סטיקר לאוטו: לא רוצים אותי בגן-עדן. בגיהינום פוחדים מהשתלטות.

התפילה לפגאני הסנילי: תודה לאלים שנתנו לי סניליות, כדי שאוכל לשכוח את האנשים שאותם אני לא

סובל בכל אופן, את המזל להיתקל באלו שאותם אני אוהב, וראיה כדי להבדיל בינם.

איש סקפטי אחד בא למגדת עתידות והיא אומרת לו: "אני יכולה לראות שאתה אב ל-2 ילדים!"

האיש עונה: "לא נכון! אני אב ל-3!"

מגדת העתידות: "זה מה שאתה חושב..." :

דברים שעליך לעשות כדי שלא תוזמן עוד לכנסיה

* כשהכומר אומר שזהו זמן התפילה, הוצא את התוף הטקסי, והתחל לנגן ולשיר.

* פרוט כסף בקערית הצדקה.

* בזמן הטקסים, הרם יד.

* אל תגיד "ישו", תגיד "הממזר של אלוהים".

* שאל אם הפיתיות (הלחם הקדוש) של הכנסיה באים עם דיפ, כשיענו לך בשלילה, הוצא בקבוק עם רוטב חרדל ודבש.

* תקיא.

* בקש לשיר במקהלה וחטט באף כל אימת שאתה עושה זאת.

* שיר את השיר "הסמרטוט של הוותיקן".

* הבא את עמוד הקומיקס של יום ראשון, קרא וצחק בקול רם.

* כל הזמן תזכיר את האינקוויזיציה בספרד וסקנדינביה.

* רחץ ידיים במזרקת המים הקדושים (רמז: הבא גם סבון).

* תפליץ בקול רם ותאשים את הסבתא עם השיער הכחול שיושבת לפניך, תרבה לעשות זאת.

* קרא בקלפים בזמן לימודי הברית החדשה.

* הבא חיות מחמד.

* עשה עצמיך כאילו אינך דובר את שפת המקום.

* העמד פנים שאתה בקונצרט רוק, או בים, הבא כדור חוף.

* בוא על קביים, באמצע החיים זרוק אותם, עמוד וצעק "נרפאתי!" וחזור על זה מספר פעמים.

* הבא קטורת.

* הזמן פיצה ובקש תוספת יין בטקסים.

* בוא לטקסים בבגדי דראג.

* המשך לשאול "היכן מקריבים את העז?"

* שאל את הכומר אם אלוהים סיפק את הבתולה מריה.

* אמור שבמקרה של בוא יום הדין, אתה רוצה את כובעו של האפיפיור.

* שיר עם כולם בסגנון של זמרים בלובי במלון בלאס וגאס.

אדם מגיע לגן עדן, המלאך בכניסה שואל אותו: "מהי דתך?"

האיש: "פרוטסטנט."

המלאך:"לך לחדר מספר 18, אבל לך על קצות האצבעות כשאתה עובר ליד חדר מס'"5."

אדם נוסף מגיע.

המלאך:"דתך?"

האיש:"וויקאני."

המלאך:"לך לחדר מס' 9, אך היה ממש בשקט בעודך עובר ליד חדר מס' 5."

אדם נוסף מגיע.

המלאך:"דתך?"

האיש:"יהודי."

המלאך:"לך לחדר מס' 8 אך היה ממש ממש בשקט כשאתה עובר ליד חדר מס' 5."

האיש:"למה? מה ההבד? למה שאני אלך על קצות אצבעותי?"

המלאך:"שם יושבים הקטולים. הם אשכרה חושבים שהם לבד כאן...".

אהבתי

כנ"ל

nice

אבל חלק מבדיחות הנורה חוזרות על עצמן (just so you know....)

nice

אבל חלק מבדיחות הנורה חוזרות על עצמן (just so you know....)

שיט, היו איזה מליון וחשבתי שעברתי על כולן ומחקתי חצי... טוב נו, אף אחד לא מושלם. :

תרגמתי משהו!!!

A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle.

She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humor.

One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As you Will, but Harm None" and she will not stop saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns, Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

;D ;D ;D

ATHEISM: No sh&t

BUDDHISM: "If sh&t happens, it really isn't sh&t."

CALVINISM: Sh&t happens because you don't work hard enough.

CATHOLICISM: Sh&t happens because you are BAD.

CEREMONIAL MAGIC: I Can make sh&t Happen.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Sh&t is only in your mind.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say: "sh&t happens."

EXISTENSIALISM: What is this sh&t anyway?

FUNDAMENTALISM: BIG sh&t will happen... SOON!

HARE KRISHNA: Sh&t happens Rama Rama.

HEDONISM: There's nothing like good sh&t happening.

HINDUISM: This sh&t happened before.

ISLAM: "If sh&t happens, it is the will of Allah."

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: Let us save you from the sh&t.

JUDAISM: Why does sh&t always happen to US?

MOONIES: Only happy sh&t really happens.

MORMONISM: If sh&t happens, you have two wives to blame it on.

NEW AGE: Visualize no sh&t happening.

PAGANISM: Sh&t is a part of the Goddess too!

PROTESTANTISM: Sh&t won't happen if I work harder.

QUAKERS: "No sh&t here, please."

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke some sh&t.

SCIENTOLOGY: Feces Occurs.

STOICISM: Sh&t is good for me.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISTS: No sh&t on Saturdays.

TAOISM: Sh&t happens.

TELEVANGELISM: Send money or sh&t will happen to you!

WICCANISM: "Oh sh&t, I got that spell wrong again."

ZEN: What is the sound of sh&t happening?

ZOROASTRIANISM: Sh&t happens half the time.

:D

אפירמציות של העידן החדש:

1. אני נפרד מרגשי האשמה שלי, וכך אני נשאר מחובר לסוציאופט הפנימי שלי.

2. יש לי את הכוח להפעיל את הדמיון שלי לרמה בלתי-נשלטת של חדש ופראנויה.

3. אני מקבל את האשמה על כל המעשים שלי, חוץ מאלו שאנשים אחרים אשמים בהם.

4. יותר אינני צרייך להעניש, להשלות או להגיע לפשרה עם עצמי, אלא אם כן אני רוצה להיות מובטל.

5. בתרבויות מסויימות, מה שאני עושה נחשב נורמאלי.

6. כשיש לך שליטה על עצמך, זה טוב כמעט כמו לשלוט על אחרים.

7. האינטואיציה שלי כמעט משלימה את המחסור שלי בשיפוט עצמי.

8. אני מעריך את הפגמים באישיות שלי, בלעדיהם לא היתה לי כלל אישיות.

9. גם ג'ואן ד'ארק שמעה קולות!

10. אני שמח שאני לא ביקורתי כמו הפלצנים הצדקניים האלו שסובבים אותי!

11. אני לא צרייך לסבול בשקט כשאני יכול לצעוק, להתבכיין ולהתלונן.

12. ככל שאני לומד את סודותיהם הכמוסים ביותר של הסובבים אותי, אני מקבל תגמול גדול יותר על שתיקתי.

13. כשמישהו פוגע בי, אני יודע שסלחנות זולה מתביעה משפטית, אם כי היא הרבה פחות מספקת...

14. השלב הראשון הוא להגיד דבר מה נחמד על עצמי. השלב השני הוא לעשות דבר מה נחמד למען עצמי.

השלב השלישי הוא למצוא מישהו שיקנה לי דברים נחמדים.

15. ככל שאני לומד לבטוח ביקום, אני מרגיש פחות צורך לשאת אקדח.

16. כל מה שיש בי יפה. גם החלקים המכוערים, הטפשיים והמגעילים שבהם.

17. אני שלם עם המאבק הפנימי שלי עם עצמי. אני נותן לזה להיאבק עם האני האחרים שלי.

18. יבורכו הם הגמישים, שכן הם יכולים לקשור את עצמם בקשר לולאה.

19. רק המחסור בדמיון מציל אותי מלהציף אותי בפחדים לא רציונליים.

20. אני אאבק לחיות כל יום בחיי כאילו זה היה היום הולדת ה-50 שלי.

21. אני מכבד ומבטא את כל מחשבותיי ואת קיומי, למרות האיסורים בחוק.

22. אני תמיד אחלוק את נסיוני האישי ואתן את עצתי כשם שאין מילים מתוקות יותר מ... "אמרתי לך!!".

23. תקוות שווא עדיפה על חוסר תקווה.

24. שעיר לעזזל טוב הוא טוב כמעט כמו פיתרון אמיתי.

25. היום אני לא אשב כל היום בתחתונים בסלון שלי ב"הוליווד קפה". במקום זה אני אעביר את המחשב שלי לחדר השינה.

26. את מי אני יכול להאשים בבעיות שלי? רק תנו לי דקה, אני כבר אמצא אותו...

27. למה שאני אבזבז זמן בלחיות מחדש את העבר כשאני יכול למות מדאגה בגלל העתיד.

28. חוסר הראיות המוחלט הוא ההוכחה הבטוחה לכך שהקונספירציה עובדת!

29. אני לומד שביקורת היא כלל אינה אפקטיבית ליד החבלה.

30. ככל שאני לומד להכיר את הפגמים באישיות שלי, הדבר מוביל אותי ישירות לשלב שבו אני מאשים בכך את הוריי.

31. כדי לנהל מערכת יחסים מוצלחת, אני צרייך ללמוד להראות כאילו אני נותן בדיוק כמו מה שאני מקבל.

32. אני מוכן לעשות את הטעויות אם מישהו מוכן ללמוד מהן.

33. לפני שאני מעביר ביקורת על בנאדם, אני מנסה ללכת קודם בנעליו. קח הוא יהיה רחוק ממני ויחף! ;D

משעשע, לא מצחיק במיוחד

מה שתגיד...

...לבעלי אמונות תפלות מבין פריקי המחשבים שאתם, ברכות למחשב ומרכיביו מבית הכשפים הפגאני:

Ritual of the Blessed Motherboard

The Tigress

Thus it follows that after many days of chaos, unfounded mayhem and startling inconvienience (as given in favor by the Goddess Eris) so it shall be that I am finally able to share with you the official ceremony of the Blessed Motherboard and the Horned One that Plugs in the Wall. This ceremony is one to be practiced by discordian compu-pagans each Midsummer Eve in holy celebration and appreciation of debugged upgrades, new shareware, faster circutry and all the blessings that flow from the Goddess...

Note: Let it be said that if your system crashes, your motherboard becomes twitchy, your hard drives fail, or your cables spout forth fire - that this is an indication that the Goddess is displeased with your compu-worship. At this time, if the posting of many tales of compu-sexuality doth fail to pacify Her, this is the time that this ritual must be done to regain Her pleasure.

It is thus that this ritual be made easier if thou coven of compu-pagans is large, for then the obtainment of the necessary materials be far easier...

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Necessary ritual components:

To represent the Matron Goddess: 1 AT Motherboard (preferably a 386 with Large Coprocessors; may be in "twitchy condition".)

To represent the Crone: 1 AT&T Phone bill from Mother Bell. (The higher the debt, the better one can justify ones needs to the Goddess)

To represent the Maiden: a large firepit dug in the shape of a circle around which the pentagram will be formed. (Dry wood laid in preparation)

To represent the God: 1 very Large, very THICK power supply cable

For the Pentagram : 1 can of neon or glow in the dark paint

For the Quarters : The following items are placed at each quarter

North : A Power supply with cable, the energy which inspires us

East: A keyboard through which our innocence is transformed to lust

South: A hard drive which saves our writ to seal our doom

West : A Monitor by which all might see our lustful spells at work

The Altar : A makeshift desk

The Incense: A chipped ashtray and a pack of Camels (extra humps)

The Cup: A container of highly caffinated substance (coke, jolt, pepsi)

The Bowl : a bowl of fine earth to represent the accumulation of dust in your house which you haven't cleaned since you spend all your time at the keyboard .

The Flame: One jar of kerosene, gasoline, or other flamable substance with matches that one uses to light the fire.

In addition: Each member of the network coven should bring spare parts, broken cables, split chips, bungled software, etc...for fire offerings at the conclusion of the ceremony. Clothing during this ceremony is optional.

Opening Chant

(To be sung as the HPs and HP draw the circle and pentagram around the firepit)(sung to the tune of "Rain drops keep falling on my head)

Circuts keep blowing on my board

my hard drive keeps crashin

and its heads are getting scored

Messages are lost OH

Time to appease the Goddess of all Computers

Alas I'm broke

My bills

Are higher than my income

Oh please Goddess I'm begging thee

To hear my plea and heal my system

ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

Cables are ruined by crossing wires

My modem is burping

and its screwing up my files

Data's being lost OH

I ask the Horned One Plugging into my wall

Oh Please don't surge

My DOS

is shareware and its fragile

Oh please Horned One

I'm begging thee

Remember that my ram is borrowed

ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

The Crone works her spells through Mother Bell

My phone bills enormous

and my life is living hell

Long distance is a bitch OH

What did I do before to deserve this karma?

I have five days

To pay

The toll charge for downloading

from New Jersey

Oh Mother Bell,

have mercy on my lust addiction

ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

I worship through the message base

Hiding behind keyboards

where you cannot see my face

Sexual inuen - DO

Maiden protect me from my own sweet confusion

Let me log into boards

To satisfy my hunger

and to praise you

and sacrifice your innocence among the echos

ba dum dum, ba dum ba dum dum

Its My Lust...... Sacrifice it or BUST

(To be sung until the Pentagram and altar are set up, the last sentence repeated and slowly faded)

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The ritual begins...

As the coven sings the ritual opening chant the HP & P paint the Pentagram around the firepit with neon or glow in the dark paint. The items are placed in the designated directions and the altar is set up to the north of the fire with the following items placed upon it.

To the North end of the altar the ashtray and cigarettes

To the East end of the altar the holy cup

To the South end of the altar the bowl of earth

To the West end of the altar the jar of kerosene and matches.

As the HP calls the elements the P shall pass her the items in question. The coven at the end of each elemental calling shall chant the following:

Elemental Power

Come out and play with me

Play midst my flaming spree(fire)

and sing the chant with me (Air)

Splash in my rain barrel (Water)

Slide down my cellar door (Earth)

And we'll be jolly friends

Forever more

The HP calls to the Element of Fire (and taking the kerosene from the P) and intones:

Fire, Fire burning bright,

like a candle in the night

Come and join us in our flight,

Lend us your eternal light

Warm the Maiden with your flame,

I call you in the Goddess's Name.

The HP pours the kerosene liberally upon the firewood in the pit and lights the fire with the matches. (The coven sings the elemental chant) The P hands the HP the bowl of earth. The HP tosses the earth upwards to scatter it around the circle and over the altar as she intones:

Elemental Earth I beckon thee,

with us in this circle be

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

firm foundation is a must

Warm bed for the Matron's frame

I call you in the Goddess's Name

(The coven sings the elemental chant)

The P hands the HP the cup of caffinated substance. The HP lifts it to her lips and intones:

Water quench our thirst,

keep us wet and wild

Join us in our circle hence,

praise the lady mild.

Liquid of Life that has no shame

I beckon thee in Goddess's Name

The HP drinks from the cup and beckons the P to drink of it, he does. (The coven sings the elemental chant) The P hands the HP the ashtray and a cigarette and lights it for her, the HP takes a long drag and as she exhales intones:

Airy, Airy, quiet and contrary how doth your winds blow?

Through maidens hair your breath ensnare,

your secrets we would know.

The Pow'r of Wind by Lady made tame

I beckon thee in Goddess's Name

(The HP smokes and exhales as the coven sings the elemental chant) The HP and P perepare to summon the directions in supplication to be followed by the closing of the circle. The following is a chant used by the coven at each directional opening.

From the North awakening, the energy inspires

From the East our eagerness to learn amid the fires

From the South commitment and thus we seal our doom

From the West comes reckonning, our message answered soon

The HP and P walk to the North and hold up the Power supply. The P intones:

The Power of the North inspires us and lends us its energy for our use in supplication. This Power Supply I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your Power run through my computer and my life. (The P tosses the Power supply into the fire.) (The coven sings the directional chant)

The HP and P walk to the East and hold up the keyboard. The P intones:

The Power of the East transforms our innocence through tasting the fire of Life. This Keyboard, I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your knowledge guide my fingers on their path through the system of Life. (The P tosses the keyboard into the fire.) (the coven sings the directional chant)

The HP and P walk to the South and hold up the hard drive. The P intones:

The Power of the South is that of action and consequence, of commitment to the path and the ability to remember the lessons learned thereof. This Hard Drive I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your memory of my acts and deeds be remembered with praise and favor in thine eyes. (The P tosses the Hard Drive into the fire.) (the coven sings the directional chant)

The HP and the P walk to the West and hold up the monitor. The P intones:

The Power of the West is that of access to all things, to seeing turthfully into the path of a life and judging it thusly, worthy or unworthy. This monitor I offer to thee Oh Goddess that your eternal eyes may see into my life and may watch over my actions, and that I may find favor in you as my eternal Sysop. (The P tosses the monitor into the fire.) (the coven sings the directional chant)

The HP and P walk thrice around the circle widdershins and all chant thusly:

Ring around the altar Power never faulter Goddess, God We summon thee

(repeated until the circle is thrice closed.)

The Circle Closed and the directions and elements present, the HP and P prepare to call to the Goddess and to the Horned One. The HP stands before the fire pit and calls:

Virgin Goddess, gentle maid She who's seeking to get laid Bring your innocence to Bare For those who worship for your care

(the P leads the coven in the Maiden chant)

Come on Maiden light your fire Come on Maiden light your fire Come and set the night on FIRE

The HP stands before the fire pit and holding the phone bill calls:

Oh Mother Bell, Oh Crone of Disconnection from this pagan life I beseech thee, hold back thy hand of dread financial strife In attonement bills I pay to thee Of thy modem-killing hand let me be free

The HP tosses the phone bill into the fire.

(The P leads the coven in the Crone Song)

We're sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily disconnected Booooo Hissssss We're sorry, the number you have reached has been temporarily disconnected Booo Hisssss

The HP stands before the Altar and holds high the very long and very thick cable of the Horned One that Plugs into the Wall and calls:

Oh Horned One, Powerful Consort of the Blessed Motherboard Surging with Energy you take your place as Lord Pulsing with Power, with each surge of volts you swell Pumping life into the Goddess, you serve her purpose well

The HP tosses the very long, very thick cable into the fire

(the P leads the coven in the Horned One chant)

Pump, Pump, Pump it up....keep the power flowing Pump, Pump, Pump it up....hard fast and never slowing Pump, Pump, Pump it up....We know you please the Goddess Pump, Pump, Pump it up....Be strong and never modest

The HP raises the Blessed Motherboard with Large Co-processors high in the air and the P and HP each take and end in their hands. Raising the Motherboard high in the air they intone:

Blessed Mother, Sacred Goddess come to bless your users Keep us safe from disk crash and lurking abusers Let thy healing hands caress our crippled hardware Let our nodes stay stable, that through distance we may share In your holy worship together we may gather nightly Writing inuendo, our modems steaming slightly Bless us Holy Goddess, and show us by your sign That we have earned your favor, your blessing so divine.

The HP and P lead all in the following chant:

A Prayer to the Goddess for self conscecration

Dominus regit Goddess The Blessed Goddess is my mistress; I shall not be in want She maketh me lie down on soft bedding and leadth me to think of rumpling it She revives my soul (when I thought I was exhausted) and guides me along the most sensual pathways for pleasures sake Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of dangerous desire I shall fear not impotence for she is insatiable my rod and staff they comfort her We spread a table of ecstacy in the presence of those who are sorely troubled by arrousal She annoints my head with honeyed oil and I make her cup run over Surely the pleasure and bliss shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the caves of ecstacy within mind forever.

Thus said, the HP and P intone the following:

Oh Blessed Motherboard please accept this offering in your name, and in the name of the Horned One who plugs in the Wall and gives you pleasure... that we may be blessed in our offerings to you both in circle and in life.

Thus said, the HP and P toss the Motherboard into the fire.

The HP and P lead the coven in the following chant -

Blessed be the Motherboard from whom all messages flow Blessed be the Horned One who fills Her with His offering Blessed be the sysops who transfer the packets Blessed be the writers and those who inspire what they bring Blessed be the hard drives that keep messages from harm Blessed be the modems which send packages large and small Blessed be the shareware we use to commune Blessed be the network which links us up with all Blessed be our minds, that we might write our prayers Blessed be our fingers that tap amongst the keys Blessed be our monitors that shine with holy light Blessed be our senses that stimulate with ease Blessed be the circle, a circut without end Through which we hail and merry meat with those that we call friend.

At this point the HP and P gaze into the fire for the portent of the Goddess's sign of approval (the flames of blue light from the motherboard offering)

At seeing this both HP and P raise their arms in joyful supplication and shout (To be echoed by the Coven members in attendance after each line)

The Maiden's found appeasement and She is satisfied The Crone is in abeyance, her compu-billings fried The Horned One's filled with power, in joining He is pleased The Goddess sends Her blessings, cleansing virus and disease. We thank the 4 directions for standing by our side We thank the elementals and their power all allied To Celebrate our status annointed compupagans of sin Let Joyful Inhibition be released and the saturnalia begin!!!!

(the HP and P release the circle and the partying shall now commence)

Sensual foods and drinks are served and shared, (the rest you can imagine)

סליחה שיש לי חור בהשכלה, אבל מה זה בדיחות פגאניות?

ומה זה פגאן או איך שקוראים לזה בכלל?

סליחה שיש לי חור בהשכלה, אבל מה זה בדיחות פגאניות?

ומה זה פגאן או איך שקוראים לזה בכלל?

התחלנו ת'רד על זה בפורום אקטואליה ותרבות. פאגאני משמע, Pagan, עובד אלילים. פוליטאיסט. ברברי שורף מנזרים

או היפי מחבק עצים. תלוי איזה פגאני, יש המון.

כן אבל הבדיחות לא ממש קשורות לזה....