ציטטות מצחיקות ממונולוגים / סטנד אפ של קומיקאים

[maCr0T]

שמתי לב למשהו, אין מספיק צחוק באיזור הזה, בין אם זה בדיחות עלובות של ספאמרים, או ת'רדים של בדיחות שלא שוות קריאה

(ילד אחד הלך הלך הלך, נפל לבור ומת.)

What the Fuck is that?!

אז הבה נעתיק מאנשים שכן יודעים להצחיק, ישראלים, לא ישראלים (רק לא צרפתים, אוקי?) Fire At Will!

(זה לא מילה במילה, כי אין לי כאן את הקטעים)

-"i'm tierd of all those fucking magazines!!

every group of people has it's own magazine. we have working mother magzine, hispanic buissnes magazine, infact, any activity that is done by more that four people in the US has a fucking magazine devoted to it. sky diving, snow mobiling, backpacking, mountain climbing, bunjey jumping, ski shooting, duck hunting, jurking off, playing pool, shooting someone in the asshole with a darth gun - they probably has a fucking magazine for that!, WALKING!!!, WALKING!!!!!, for christ sake, WAALLLKKKINNG!!!!, there is actually a fucking magazine called WALKING!!, look dan, the new walking is out, here is a good article, putting one foot infront of the other!! "

-George carlin - golf courses for the homeless

[MishaK]

The two pandas at the zoo, do u care if the fuck? i don't.

Why won't they stop telling me on the news the pandas didn't fuck again this year?! i'm not concerned. I have no emotional need in panda fucking!

Probably the only reason why they don't do it on time it because some jack off in the in the environment movement moved into the cage with them. Could u get a hard on if some guy with a green t shirt with a stop watch would taking your girlfriand rectum temp?

- George Carlin, Back In Town, Pandas.

[maCr0T]

i got strange ideas anyway, you know what i think they should do with that mis america contest? i think they make the loosers keep coming back until they win, it will get spookey after 35 years and so... "i've just wanted... to work... on world peace (old voice)" Fine, sit down before you fall down. would ya'?

i got a lot of ideas, you know what i think? i think that cleanex (nose tissue, how to spell it?!) need to have little targets on them, wouldn't it be a good idea? little bullseyes right in the middle, make it a little sporty when you're with your friends "[someone cleaning his nose][chrrrhhchr] Look dave! an eighty five!" thats a good idea! i got many good ideas. problem is, most of them suck. i got many good ideas for products, that's what i think about on my off duty hours.

People i can do without, this is my list:

guys in their 50s' named Skip

... (can't remember)

an airline pilot which has on two different shoes!!

a proctolegest with poor depth prespection

a pimp who drives a toyota Corrola

..... (you won't understand)

anyone who mentions chesus more then 300 times in a two minute conrisation

a dentist with blood in his hair

any women which her hobby is breast feeding Zoo animals

a funeral director who says "Hope to see you again real soon"

girls who gets drunk and throw up at breakfast

a man with only one lip (Yaser Arrafat)

a boyscout master who owns a dildo shop!

people who actually know the second verse of "The stars spenkal beder" (קשה להבין את זה, איכות נמוכה)

any lawyer who reffers to the police as the Federallies

...

a brain surgent with "Born To Lose" tatooed on his hands.

וזה שוב לא מילה במילה, כי זה מהראש שלי

דרך אגב, אני מבקש בשיא הרצינות, בלי תגובות מפגרות כמו LLLLLOOLLL, או ענק, אם משהו מצחיק אתכם, תפרטו בדיוק.

[MishaK]

"You know where i can stick it" - why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it? suppose u don't know, suppose ur a new guy. U have absolutely no idea where to stick it. I there should be a government book let ppl know where they can stick it. Now that I think about it I think there is a government book that like that. They send it to ya on April 15!"

"Undisputed heavy weight champion" - well if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?"

"The greats thing since slice bread" - so this is it ha fox? couple of hundred thousand years.. the fucking pyramids for cry saks... the great wall of China.. even a lava lamp, Nothing is greater then slice of bread. What so special about slice of bread? u got a knife, u got a bread - slice the fucking thing!!!

And go on with ur life..."

[^HocK^]

The two pandas at the zoo, do u care if the fuck? i don't.

Why won't they stop telling me on the news the pandas didn't fuck again this year?! i'm not concerned. I have no emotional need in panda fucking!

Probably the only reason why they don't do it on time it because some jack off in the in the environment movement moved into the cage with them. Could u get a hard on if some guy with a green t shirt with a stop watch would taking your girlfriand rectum temp?

- George Carlin, Back In Town, Pandas.

חחח

כ"כ נכון

תגיד מאיפה את משיג את הקטעים של הסטאנד אפ?

[maCr0T]

זה לא מערכון, זה שילוב של שניים באותו נושא

ever had a fart? on the bus or on an airplane? and you didn't know if the people around you can take it? then you need to release a Test Fart, release ten to 14 precent of the fart, and then comes out a total normal fart. and then you release the whole fart, and the cats are running away, people are heading to the doors, even on the airplane. the kind a fart that can kill cancer, the kind of fart that comes handy when you has something that needs welding, the kind a fart that take the stiches out of blue jeans! you come home, and see the plants are all yellow, after two days you beginning to understand that there are no birds in you neighberhood

[yuvalkob]

מתוך הקטע של פרשנות לתמרורים במופע של אלי ומריאנו:

עצור! ערבים בדרך

[maCr0T]

מתוכנות שיתוף. תריץ חיפוש George Carlin.

i'm getting real sick of guys named Todd, it's just a goofey fucking name.

"hey, what's your name? ttoooooddddddd , and this is Blake, and Blair, and Blaim"

where are all those goofey fucking names a re coming from?! Taylor, Teylor, Jordan, Flin, Those Are NOT REAL NAMES!!

want to hear a real name? Eddie, Joey...

[maphisto]

" הטכניון - המקום הגאומטרי של כל העקומות"

" מה זה משיק - אחד ישר שהולך עם עקומה אבל לעולם לא נוגע בה"

יחסים זה כמו משחק ג'ין - if u dont have a good parthner u'd better have a good hand .

זה לא מקומיקאי אבל הוא מצחיק אותי מאד (תודה ד"ר ביינר).

[MishaK]

Here is a list of ppl who want to be killed, starting with ppl who read self help books. Why do so many ppl need help?! life is not that complicated: u get up, u got to work, u eat 3 meals, u take one good shit and u go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery? and the part i really don't understand, if u looking for self help why would u read a book written by somebody else? that's not self help, thats help!

there is no such thing as self help.. if u did it yourself u wouldn't need help! cuz u did it yourself.. try to pay more attention to the llanguage we all agreed on!

[אורח RnGKay]

Telemarketing nightmare

One thing that has always bugged me is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron.

Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying, "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......

Me: But Nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!

AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food...

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thith Ath Teeth & Teeth?

Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...

AT&T: (click)

[maCr0T]

גדול!, ארוך, אבל שווה קריאה.

do you belive that live is sacred? who said so? God? if you read history, you realize, that god is one of the leading causes of death. millions of dead motherfuckers are dead because they gave the wrong answer for the god question. "do you belive in god?" "no." DEAD. "do you belive in god?" "yes." "do you belive in my god?" "No." DEAD.

My GOD HAS A BIGGER DICK THAN YOUR GOD!!!!!

[^DaRk-MiNd^]

זה באמת מצחיק אותכם ? זה בסדר... אבל לא ממש מצחיק.

כמו הקטעי סטנד אפ בתוכנית סיינפלד - אתה מזדהה עם הכל והכל נכון ומדוייק, אבל זה לא מצחיק, זה... בסדר

קשה ליצור דברים מצחיקים. אני רק מסתכל על כל המה קשור והפרוזק ושואל למה אף אחד לא יורה בהם וזהו ? קומדיות מצחיקות בקולנוע זה גם דבר נדיר ובד"כ יש רק סוגי ביג מאמא ואחרים שבקושי מעלים חיוך

[אורח RnGKay]

An Italian Guy's Story

This is a story of an Italian guy when he visits Toronto. You have to speak in an Italian accent to make this jokes more effective!

One daya I go to Toronto and stay in bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast, I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet, I say you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know lady, ana she calla me sonna ma bitch!

Then, I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! fa cough ! I say, 'fa cough' ---- I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH! - Later I go to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock, She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wana fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma bitch - I not even know lady, ana she call me sonna ma bitch. So, I go back to my hotel roon, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tell me to go to toilet. So, I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma bitch---

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk he say peace to you. I say, 'Peace on you too, you sonna ma bitch!'

I go back to Italy!!!!!!!!

[DXT]

" הטכניון - המקום הגאומטרי של כל העקומות"

- מה הוא המקום הגיאומטרי בטכניון?

- מפגש כל העקומות עם כל המרובעים.